I Support You

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Since I started my blog back in January I’ve been planning a post on breastfeeding. It’s been floating around in my head all year, but until now it didn’t seem to be the right time.

My journey with breastfeeding was, I think, quite a big factor in my eventual post-natal depression. Or, more importantly, it wasn’t the feeding itself, but my attitude towards it, that contributed to a significant and steep decline towards a very dark place. Even sitting here and re-visiting some of the memories is causing me to breathe a bit faster and my heart to race.

I’d like to explain why I’m choosing now to share my experience with you. A few days ago one of my readers asked me whether I’d heard of the “I Support You” movement. In researching it I came across three amazing American blogs. Three women with very different stances and opinions on breast vs bottle-feeding are standing together to remind us that we all deserve support, no matter how we choose to feed our babies. It seems the stars have aligned and now is the time for me to get this off my chest (pun intended).

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I felt like whooping for joy when I read this:

From http://www.fearlessformulafeeder.com
“The I Support You movement is a respectful, empathetic, compassionate exchange between parents. We all feed our children differently, but we are all feeding with love, and in ways that work for our individual circumstances and family dynamics. I Support You is the first step in helping formula-feeding, breast-feeding, and combo-feeding parents to come together and lift each other up with kindness and understanding. We have chosen to announce this movement during World Breastfeeding Week, to honor the commitment of those who fight for better support for breastfeeding moms; we are inspired by this, but believe that by changing the focus to supporting all parents, we can truly provoke positive change without putting the needs of some mothers above the needs of others. The “I Support You” movement aims:

1) To bridge the gap between formula-feeding and breastfeeding parents by fostering friendships and interactions.

2) To dispel common myths and misperceptions about formula feeding and breastfeeding, by asking parents to share their stories, and really listening to the truth of their experiences.

3) To provide information and support to parents as they make decisions about how to feed their children.

4) To connect parents with local resources, mentors, and friends who are feeding their children in similar ways.”

Suzanne Barston, the author behind Fearless Formula Feeder is asking women to share their pictures and stories to encourage us to stand together in solidarity.

Read about the three amazing women behind this campaign here:

Fearless Formula Feeder
Mama By The Bay
I Am Not The Babysitter

My Story

My son was born two weeks late, by emergency c-section and weighed almost ten pounds. I was in hospital for several days afterwards, where he managed to latch on quite successfully but screamed pretty much all. the. time. Eventually, just before I went home, a midwife persuaded me to give him a bottle of formula. He calmed down immediately. Of course this made me feel incredibly guilty and like I’d traumatised my poor newborn by starving him in his early days. I felt my colostrum was not enough for such a large baby. I’ve since been told this is nonsense, but we all know there’s no reasoning with a hormonal woman who has just given birth.

I didn’t let this stop me from breastfeeding, though.

A day later I woke up with boobs like footballs, and over the next few weeks I managed to drop all but one of his formula feeds. I endured two horrific bouts of mastitis, which to this day is the worst illness I’ve ever suffered. The only real way out is to feed through the pain, so that’s what I did. I felt proud of myself. I felt that although I hadn’t managed a “normal” birth, there was still something that only I could do for my baby and that was to breastfeed him. Despite suffering through the agonies of mastitis I had persevered.

I can remember going to baby groups and clinics and feeding my son when he cried. When breastfeeding is successful, it is so wonderful. The closeness to your baby, even when it’s the middle of the night is so special.

When Monkey was four months old, he started losing interest. I couldn’t make him concentrate on breastfeeding and he wouldn’t feed from me anymore. He would inhale his late-night bottle of formula but ignore the breast. It seemed he has decided to stop and over the course of about ten days we made the switch to formula. I felt pangs of sadness, but they were lessened by the fact that almost as soon as he became a bottle-fed baby he started sleeping through the night. I felt I’d given breastfeeding my best shot but I wished I’d been able to continue it for a longer period.

All of the friends I’d made in my NCT ante-natal class continued to breastfeed for at least a year and I did feel disappointed with myself when I saw them, still nursing their babies as I bottle fed. So I resolved that when baby number two came along, I’d try harder.

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Two weeks under two years later, my daughter was born. This time I was prepared. I knew I’d be undergoing a c-section this time around and I knew this could mean difficulty in establishing breastfeeding. I made sure that the nurses knew that I wanted my daughter on my skin as soon as she was delivered. I even bought several feeding dresses, as I knew I’d be unable to wear trousers post-surgery so my feeding tops would be useless. I bought boxes of breast pads and nipple cream. I was ready.

I remember a nurse checking on me that first night. Madam was latched to my breast, albeit uncomfortably so all seemed well. The nurse ticked a box and disappeared. Sadly, I hadn’t realised (and no medical professional had pointed out) that all babies latch differently. It only takes a few feeds with an incorrectly positioned baby to cause horrible damage to your nipples. Once this happens it’s incredibly difficult to heal.

By the time I got home, both my nipples were horrifically damaged with gaping cuts on each side. Every time my daughter fed from me we would both be covered in blood. I can’t articulate how painful it was for me. I remember agonising shooting pains from my breasts to my armpits. I remember sweating, with every muscle in my body tensed. I used to sob whilst frantically kicking my legs in an attempt not to scream out in pain. I didn’t always succeed and used to feed her with tears streaming down my face.

My husband would help me to position the baby and then quickly disappear. I couldn’t understand it and felt like he was abandoning me when I needed him most. Turns out, he couldn’t bear to watch me suffer.

I enlisted the help of a lactation consultant who came to visit me at home. By the time she arrived, when my daughter was a week old, I’d corrected the latch and she was positioned perfectly. But it was too late. The damage was done. It’s impossible for nipples to heal when a baby is feeding from them for hours a day. I couldn’t express milk as that was so painful for me, too. Nipple shields offered no respite.

I endured ten days of unspeakable agony. I used to dread my baby crying, as I knew I’d have to feed her. I found it hard to look at her, as I felt that she was causing me such pain. Reading these words back, I feel sick. But that’s how it was for me. On day ten, my doctor called. He told me that it was okay to stop, really. He pointed out that he was not breastfed and managed to do pretty well for himself. He said that a happy mum is far more important than how much breast milk her baby gets.

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I was crushed, but I knew I had no option but to give up breast feeding. I felt such a failure and was utterly devastated. There began a quick decline in to what turned out to be a severe case of PND.

I realise now that I placed far, far too much emphasis on breast feeding. I’d imagined a wonderful, nurturing bond with my daughter, when in fact, my attempt to breastfeed her caused the opposite. It made me feel resentful towards her and that is something I still struggle to forgive myself for, two years on.

Whenever I saw a mother breastfeeding, I felt immense pangs of guilt. Bottle feeding such a small baby in public caused me more embarrassment than I used to feel breastfeeding my son in restaurants. I felt the need to explain what I’d been through to random strangers, to justify my decision to bottle feed her. I felt like I wasn’t good enough for my baby. Like a failure from the word-go.

Even at the time, I remember thinking that had one of my friends been through the same thing, I’d tell her not to be ridiculous. That she shouldn’t give herself such a hard time and that she should treat herself with more kindness. But sadly I wasn’t able to listen to my own advice.

This is why the second point in my Mummy Kindness Manifesto is:

‘I will feed my baby however suits me, my baby and my family. I will never judge another mother for how she chooses to feed her baby’

I think this is so incredibly important. We are our own harshest critics and we really need to pull together. Judgement helps nobody and we are all just doing our best, finding our way as we go.

“Never look down on anybody unless you’re helping them up.” ~Jesse Jackson

So I’m sharing this with you today, because I have been on both sides. I admit to have been slightly smug and judgey as a breastfeeder four years ago. I suppose I felt I’d earned the right. I also know the crushing disappointment at being unable to breastfeed a baby when you want to.

So I’d like to say this;
To the breastfeeding mums: I Support You
To the bottle feeding mums: I Support You
To the combo-feeding mums: I Support You

If you decide from the beginning that breastfeeding isn’t for you, I Support You.
If you want to stop breastfeeding, I Support You
If you breastfeed a three year old, I Support You
If you breastfeed in public, I Support You
If you pump, I Support You

If you feed your baby differently to me, I Support You
If you parent differently to me, I Support You.

Motherhood is hard. So hard. There need not be a divide between breast and bottle feeders. There need not be a divide between any of us. We can learn so much from each other’s stories. Let’s remember that what is right for you may not be right for someone else and respect one another’s choices.

You can follow the I Support You campaign via the Twitter hashtag #ISupportYou and also read lots more posts on this topic on the Fearless Formula Feeder’s Blog Hop here,

Our worth as mothers is not and should not be defined by whether or not we choose to breastfeed.

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Guest Post: The Princess. The Bump. Your Body.

Today I’m sharing a guest post from Karen Laing. Karen is a very well respected pre and post-natal exercise expert who blogs about health and fitness at www.alittlefitter.com. In addition to the blog, Karen teaches Pilates in Essex and London. Her specialism and passion is women’s health.
Karen writes for national publications and presents on health and fitness. She co-directs Fit School with husband Chris, a new fitness initiative which aims to educate through fitness.
Karen is mum to Isaac who is two and a half and is expecting another baby in January 2014.

I think this is such an important post. Every woman should read it so please do share it if it speaks to you.

Guest Post: The Princess. The Bump. Your Body.

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THERE has been much furore surrounding Princess Kate and her post-baby body since she emerged, glowing, from the Lindo Wing of St. Mary’s Hospital last week. In fact perhaps more media attention has focused on Kate’s body than on beautiful baby Prince George.

So; Newsflash! The female body takes time to recover after 9 months of growing a person and squeezing it out of a very small hole, or even out of the sun roof. But just how long? Weeks, months or years?

The doctor can sign you off as soon as six weeks post birth when initial recovery has taken place but a study published last year by Salford University, suggested it could take up to a year for women to recover both physically and mentally. Some experts suggest this may even be two years, since it takes this long for your abdominal muscles to fully return to their pre-pregnancy state. And then there’s breastfeeding – pregnancy hormones remain in your system for up to four months after you stop nursing your child.

So here’s a little guidance on how long it really takes for beautiful female bodies to recover after birth:

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Early days

In the early days after giving birth your body is in full recovery mode. You may have lost a lot of blood and fluids and you’ll definitely be short on sleep and energy. You’ll most likely be sore and swollen so now is the time to enjoy some confinement and TLC.

0-6 weeks

There’s a lot going on during the first six weeks of post natal recovery. Whilst your uterus is contracting (cause of the painful, cramping sensations you’ll be getting) the rest of your internal organs, which got squidged out of the way during pregnancy are returning to their rightful place. Your pelvis will be recovering and returning to it’s pre-labour state and your urethra, vagina and anus, which again will have moved slightly during pregnancy will be returning to their original homes. Any intense activity during this stage could hinder the healing process. Walking and gentle stretching is fine but definitely nothing bouncy.

You’ll also be bleeding heavily and may also be anaemic, so plenty of iron-rich foods and dark green vegetable to aid iron absorption are critical during this time.

You’ll be quite inflamed and possibly held together by stitches for a few weeks. You’ll need to keep them as clean as possible with salt baths and lavender or calendula compresses and drink plenty of fluids for breast milk and to flush out any nasties and minimize your risk of infection.

Some women get haemorrhoids, mastitis, back ache or other complications and all women will suffer with some degree of sleep deprivation so rest, recuperation and realism are the order of the day for the early weeks.

Up to 4 months post breastfeeding

Your pregnancy hormones, most noticeably relaxin stay in your body until up to four months after you finish breast feeding. This means any associated symptoms, such as reduced stability in your pelvis and joints, also linger for this amount of time. So high impact activities are best enjoyed with caution until you feel ready to go – experts disagree on this point but you know your body best and if you are at all at risk of or unsure of your pelvic floor stability, focus on this side of your training through Pilates or resistance training before you hit the tennis court.

You may also find that the extra ‘insurance’ fat that your body gained in the early days of pregnancy also sticks around until baby is weaned, this is because your clever body is still holding on fat stores vital for hormone and milk production. Fat is not just stubborn lumpy stuff with no purpose, it’s an organ in its own right, storing and generating hormones and of course energy.

Up to a year post birth

The University of Salford study, conducted by Dr Julie Wray, interviewed women during their first year post birth and concluded that women need a year to recover both physically and emotionally after child-birth. Her study found that women felt unsupported by medical services and very much left to get on with it. This is where social networks made through local health clinics or organisations such as the NCT offering Bumps and Babies groups can be a vital part of the healing process.

Relationships, personal self-worth, finances and health are all put through the mill in the first 12 months. It takes time to re-find your feet with a new member of your family.

Up to two years post birth

When you are pregnant, your growing baby forces your abdominal wall to stretch. The body responds by creating new muscle cells, or sarcomeres, literally lengthening your abdominals. According to health practitioner Paul Chek (author of How to Eat, Move and be Healthy) it can take up to two years for your abdominals to fully recover. Three big factors that can prevent this recovery, causing an abdominal distention are: Having two babies within two years (or falling pregnant within two years of the last pregnancy); gaining a large amount of weight during pregnancy; or a C-section (C-sections can cause internal scarring or adhesions which can add to abdominal distention).

Two years and beyond

Complications such as diastasis recti (split in the abdominal wall), adhesions, post stitches pain or pelvic floor dysfunction (such as prolapse) can cause problems well beyond two years.

So mummies, let’s lay off the ‘lose weight now,’ or, ‘get fit quick’ resolutions. You’ll know when you’re ready to get in shape or just get more energy, your local gym’s marketing team don’t.

This post isn’t intended to be a license to eat cake and ice cream forever, that won’t do much for your body either but do wear your physical changes like a badge of honour, enjoy the early years with your baby and be like the clever tortoise, not the media hungry hare.

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You can find more from Karen on her Facebook page here.