I Support You

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Since I started my blog back in January I’ve been planning a post on breastfeeding. It’s been floating around in my head all year, but until now it didn’t seem to be the right time.

My journey with breastfeeding was, I think, quite a big factor in my eventual post-natal depression. Or, more importantly, it wasn’t the feeding itself, but my attitude towards it, that contributed to a significant and steep decline towards a very dark place. Even sitting here and re-visiting some of the memories is causing me to breathe a bit faster and my heart to race.

I’d like to explain why I’m choosing now to share my experience with you. A few days ago one of my readers asked me whether I’d heard of the “I Support You” movement. In researching it I came across three amazing American blogs. Three women with very different stances and opinions on breast vs bottle-feeding are standing together to remind us that we all deserve support, no matter how we choose to feed our babies. It seems the stars have aligned and now is the time for me to get this off my chest (pun intended).

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I felt like whooping for joy when I read this:

From http://www.fearlessformulafeeder.com
“The I Support You movement is a respectful, empathetic, compassionate exchange between parents. We all feed our children differently, but we are all feeding with love, and in ways that work for our individual circumstances and family dynamics. I Support You is the first step in helping formula-feeding, breast-feeding, and combo-feeding parents to come together and lift each other up with kindness and understanding. We have chosen to announce this movement during World Breastfeeding Week, to honor the commitment of those who fight for better support for breastfeeding moms; we are inspired by this, but believe that by changing the focus to supporting all parents, we can truly provoke positive change without putting the needs of some mothers above the needs of others. The “I Support You” movement aims:

1) To bridge the gap between formula-feeding and breastfeeding parents by fostering friendships and interactions.

2) To dispel common myths and misperceptions about formula feeding and breastfeeding, by asking parents to share their stories, and really listening to the truth of their experiences.

3) To provide information and support to parents as they make decisions about how to feed their children.

4) To connect parents with local resources, mentors, and friends who are feeding their children in similar ways.”

Suzanne Barston, the author behind Fearless Formula Feeder is asking women to share their pictures and stories to encourage us to stand together in solidarity.

Read about the three amazing women behind this campaign here:

Fearless Formula Feeder
Mama By The Bay
I Am Not The Babysitter

My Story

My son was born two weeks late, by emergency c-section and weighed almost ten pounds. I was in hospital for several days afterwards, where he managed to latch on quite successfully but screamed pretty much all. the. time. Eventually, just before I went home, a midwife persuaded me to give him a bottle of formula. He calmed down immediately. Of course this made me feel incredibly guilty and like I’d traumatised my poor newborn by starving him in his early days. I felt my colostrum was not enough for such a large baby. I’ve since been told this is nonsense, but we all know there’s no reasoning with a hormonal woman who has just given birth.

I didn’t let this stop me from breastfeeding, though.

A day later I woke up with boobs like footballs, and over the next few weeks I managed to drop all but one of his formula feeds. I endured two horrific bouts of mastitis, which to this day is the worst illness I’ve ever suffered. The only real way out is to feed through the pain, so that’s what I did. I felt proud of myself. I felt that although I hadn’t managed a “normal” birth, there was still something that only I could do for my baby and that was to breastfeed him. Despite suffering through the agonies of mastitis I had persevered.

I can remember going to baby groups and clinics and feeding my son when he cried. When breastfeeding is successful, it is so wonderful. The closeness to your baby, even when it’s the middle of the night is so special.

When Monkey was four months old, he started losing interest. I couldn’t make him concentrate on breastfeeding and he wouldn’t feed from me anymore. He would inhale his late-night bottle of formula but ignore the breast. It seemed he has decided to stop and over the course of about ten days we made the switch to formula. I felt pangs of sadness, but they were lessened by the fact that almost as soon as he became a bottle-fed baby he started sleeping through the night. I felt I’d given breastfeeding my best shot but I wished I’d been able to continue it for a longer period.

All of the friends I’d made in my NCT ante-natal class continued to breastfeed for at least a year and I did feel disappointed with myself when I saw them, still nursing their babies as I bottle fed. So I resolved that when baby number two came along, I’d try harder.

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Two weeks under two years later, my daughter was born. This time I was prepared. I knew I’d be undergoing a c-section this time around and I knew this could mean difficulty in establishing breastfeeding. I made sure that the nurses knew that I wanted my daughter on my skin as soon as she was delivered. I even bought several feeding dresses, as I knew I’d be unable to wear trousers post-surgery so my feeding tops would be useless. I bought boxes of breast pads and nipple cream. I was ready.

I remember a nurse checking on me that first night. Madam was latched to my breast, albeit uncomfortably so all seemed well. The nurse ticked a box and disappeared. Sadly, I hadn’t realised (and no medical professional had pointed out) that all babies latch differently. It only takes a few feeds with an incorrectly positioned baby to cause horrible damage to your nipples. Once this happens it’s incredibly difficult to heal.

By the time I got home, both my nipples were horrifically damaged with gaping cuts on each side. Every time my daughter fed from me we would both be covered in blood. I can’t articulate how painful it was for me. I remember agonising shooting pains from my breasts to my armpits. I remember sweating, with every muscle in my body tensed. I used to sob whilst frantically kicking my legs in an attempt not to scream out in pain. I didn’t always succeed and used to feed her with tears streaming down my face.

My husband would help me to position the baby and then quickly disappear. I couldn’t understand it and felt like he was abandoning me when I needed him most. Turns out, he couldn’t bear to watch me suffer.

I enlisted the help of a lactation consultant who came to visit me at home. By the time she arrived, when my daughter was a week old, I’d corrected the latch and she was positioned perfectly. But it was too late. The damage was done. It’s impossible for nipples to heal when a baby is feeding from them for hours a day. I couldn’t express milk as that was so painful for me, too. Nipple shields offered no respite.

I endured ten days of unspeakable agony. I used to dread my baby crying, as I knew I’d have to feed her. I found it hard to look at her, as I felt that she was causing me such pain. Reading these words back, I feel sick. But that’s how it was for me. On day ten, my doctor called. He told me that it was okay to stop, really. He pointed out that he was not breastfed and managed to do pretty well for himself. He said that a happy mum is far more important than how much breast milk her baby gets.

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I was crushed, but I knew I had no option but to give up breast feeding. I felt such a failure and was utterly devastated. There began a quick decline in to what turned out to be a severe case of PND.

I realise now that I placed far, far too much emphasis on breast feeding. I’d imagined a wonderful, nurturing bond with my daughter, when in fact, my attempt to breastfeed her caused the opposite. It made me feel resentful towards her and that is something I still struggle to forgive myself for, two years on.

Whenever I saw a mother breastfeeding, I felt immense pangs of guilt. Bottle feeding such a small baby in public caused me more embarrassment than I used to feel breastfeeding my son in restaurants. I felt the need to explain what I’d been through to random strangers, to justify my decision to bottle feed her. I felt like I wasn’t good enough for my baby. Like a failure from the word-go.

Even at the time, I remember thinking that had one of my friends been through the same thing, I’d tell her not to be ridiculous. That she shouldn’t give herself such a hard time and that she should treat herself with more kindness. But sadly I wasn’t able to listen to my own advice.

This is why the second point in my Mummy Kindness Manifesto is:

‘I will feed my baby however suits me, my baby and my family. I will never judge another mother for how she chooses to feed her baby’

I think this is so incredibly important. We are our own harshest critics and we really need to pull together. Judgement helps nobody and we are all just doing our best, finding our way as we go.

“Never look down on anybody unless you’re helping them up.” ~Jesse Jackson

So I’m sharing this with you today, because I have been on both sides. I admit to have been slightly smug and judgey as a breastfeeder four years ago. I suppose I felt I’d earned the right. I also know the crushing disappointment at being unable to breastfeed a baby when you want to.

So I’d like to say this;
To the breastfeeding mums: I Support You
To the bottle feeding mums: I Support You
To the combo-feeding mums: I Support You

If you decide from the beginning that breastfeeding isn’t for you, I Support You.
If you want to stop breastfeeding, I Support You
If you breastfeed a three year old, I Support You
If you breastfeed in public, I Support You
If you pump, I Support You

If you feed your baby differently to me, I Support You
If you parent differently to me, I Support You.

Motherhood is hard. So hard. There need not be a divide between breast and bottle feeders. There need not be a divide between any of us. We can learn so much from each other’s stories. Let’s remember that what is right for you may not be right for someone else and respect one another’s choices.

You can follow the I Support You campaign via the Twitter hashtag #ISupportYou and also read lots more posts on this topic on the Fearless Formula Feeder’s Blog Hop here,

Our worth as mothers is not and should not be defined by whether or not we choose to breastfeed.

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10 thoughts on “I Support You

  1. Thanks Rachel, this is so close to my heart as my little boy had severe tongue tie when he was born and due to lack of info and help, it wasn’t fixed for 9 days and what followed were some very stressful weeks of trying desperately to establish feeding, endless expressing and eventually my milk drying up and feelings of huge guilt that I had failed to do what was best for my baby. I know what you mean about feeling the need to explain to strangers why you are feeding your tiny baby with a bottle; and the pressure and guilt mothers feel about not breastfeeding, even when they physically can’t do it, is always something ive felt strongly about. Keep up the good work hun and thanks for the post xxx

  2. I think I got lucky in that my son was born in Japan where there is less pressure on mothers about feeding in general. There is alot of teaching that breast is best when pregnant but they are much more pragmatic post birth. The attitude i came across was very much that If you can BF exclusively from day one, great. If you can’t, that’s fine too as there are other options available which are offered with love and support and without guilt. There is also no judgement between mothers about the whole thing, which made me laugh as it is probably the only time In Japan that people aren’t judged about how they feed their kids!! There is no such thing as the NCT in Japan- antenatal classes are held at birth clinics. Japan has one of the best rates of infant mortality in the world.

    I personally welled up when reading about your mastitis with number one and the bad latch with number two as I had exactly the same thing. My nipples still have scars from feeding Joey and I agree that mastitis is without a doubt the worst illness I have ever experienced. I combo-fed Joey for a while but I had become obsessed with BF-ing him and went slightly bonkers about the whole thing!!

    I think that groups like ‘I support you’ are very important. I went crazy trying to feed my son but that was 99% pressure I put on myself. If society had been putting pressure on me as well, I would probably have suffered even more!! I also think we should all be more grateful that our babies are born in a time and country where we have the option. We should embrace the fact that we are well-nourished enough that BF-ing is an option but that we have enough clean water that formula feeding is safe as well.

    • Thanks for sharing this, Midori. You’re so right. We have so much to be grateful for. Women in other countries have no choice but to feed their babies with formula made from filthy water because of a lack of nutrition, support and basic sanitation. Really puts things in perspective, in hindsight. A very important point, thank you.

  3. What an incredible journey. TMotherhood is a roller coaster ride for so many. The overwhelming sense of love and responsibility mixed with crazy hormones can make us feel guilty about things that we shouldn’t like breastfeeding. #isupportyou #PoCoLo

  4. Similarly I fed my first son for 20 weeks and my second for only 5 days. I don’t think I gave myself such a hard time about it as you did though but I’m of an age where I’m kind of over what other people think (although self-conciousness about breastfeeding in public was particularly keen). Also I didn’t suffer from mastitis and the fact that I gave up having experienced similar ‘ordinary’ pain (like knowing that someone’s going to apply a nipple clamp and twist it for 40 minutes every couple of hours) demonstrates the cultural pressure on us nowadays that we would put ourselves through that. Do the government really believe that more formula feeders and less breast-feeders will lead to some kind of unsupportable health epidemic a few decades down the line? Its so negligable why pile this pressure on us? Having said that I agree entirely with the sentiment that breastfeeding is the ideal and I certainly would have done it if it hadn’t been a case of, mostly, depression in me. I’ve heard that there is a proven link between breastfeeding and depression so its no surprise. I also prepared to breastfeed my second child even though I hadn’t felt too successful with my first. I bought a breastfeeding apron especially as I’d had a hard time with breastfeeding in public the first time round. I also knew that I wouldn’t put any pressure on myself to continue – no matter how early the feeling might come, because I couldn’t put myself or my baby through the depressing months of feeding in a vale of tears. I don’t regret that decision at all. You are clearly a very thoughtful, sensitive person which demonstrates that you can only be a genuinely lovely parent and how you fed your child is immaterial. X

  5. So I’d like to say this;
    To the breastfeeding mums: I Support You
    To the bottle feeding mums: I Support You
    To the combo-feeding mums: I Support You

    If you decide from the beginning that breastfeeding isn’t for you, I Support You.
    If you want to stop breastfeeding, I Support You
    If you breastfeed a three year old, I Support You
    If you breastfeed in public, I Support You
    If you pump, I Support You

    If you feed your baby differently to me, I Support You
    If you parent differently to me, I Support You.

    Hear, hear! It is too bad that the “I Support You” campaign does not really say that.

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